When Your Elderly Parent Doesn’t Appreciate You: Coping With Caregiver Burnout

My Dad’s feeling down these days. He’s 90 and his vision, hearing and balance are failing. I understand his mood – his mobility is decreasing and as a result his world is shrinking. I want to visit often, listen to him, support him. But I struggle. I struggle because he is frustrated. He wants his health problems fixed and I think he believes I am not willing to help him.

I take him to the doctor. The doctor cannot find a cause for his poor balance. I suggest physical therapy. The doctor agrees. My father thinks the physical therapy is a waste of time. “It’s not helping,” he says. I ask about a hearing aid. I take him for a hearing test. That doctor says his hearing loss is irreversible. My father is frustrated that I haven’t gotten him a hearing aid to fix his problem.

He falls and hurts his leg. He doesn’t tell me. I find out from my sister who says our father didn’t tell me because, “Why bother?” He should bother because the last time he fell he cut his leg and it became infected. The infection was discovered and treated because I took him to the doctor. And then I ordered PT to minimize the risk for future falls.

I feel like nothing I do for him is good enough. Nothing’s working. But I cannot combat old age. I do not know what else to do for him. If there was a solution I woud try it. But I don’t have a solution. And so my father is frustrated with me, with his doctor, with life. And I am left wondering, “Why bother?”

caregiverburnoutBut I do bother. I will go right over to check him out after I hear about the fall. He will tell me he is fine. I will take him for an exam anyway. He will tell my sister it was a waste of time. But I will do it again and as many times as is needed. I will also feel sorry for myself, in my head. I will think about all of the other things I could do with that time, things that have better outcomes – that have measurable results and for which people appreciate me.

I hear from lots of working daughters who are burnt out from caregiving, whose parent or parents show no appreciation for what they do, or are critical of what they do. They write to me and ask, “How can I get my mother to be nicer?” or, “Why doesn’t my father appreciate what I do for him?”

What if my parent doesn’t change? It’s a valid and scary question for a caregiver who is tired, fed up, overbooked, and who has most likely put some of her own goals and interests on hold while she cares for someone else. What if indeed?

Chances are your parent will not come around. They will not suddenly become less critical or more appreciative, or less scared and frustrated by the aging process – because fear and frustration are probably what are at the root of their behavior, not you. What does that mean for you?

So what? Now what?

Ask yourself these two important question. So what that your parent is not treating you well? Now what will you do?

To help you decide “now what,” remember that caregiving is a choice. Please don’t stop reading at this point; I know what you are thinking. “You think I choose this? You think I would chose to sacrifice my career, time with my kids, my sleep, my personal time, for this? You think I would chose to change the dressing on a wound, or an adult diaper, or a colostomy bag? You think I wanted this?” No, of course not. But how you react to a situation, how much care you give, is a choice. It may not be an easy choice. It may feel like a false choice. But ultimately it is a choice.

And so as caregivers we need to ask ourselves, “So what? Now what?” So this has happened. So my parent is old and sick and maybe ungrateful. Now what will I do about it?”

For some women the answer is easy. We will do what we want to do, not what we think we should do. And we know the difference between wants and shoulds because we have done the work to determine what is most important to us, to identify what we value, and to decide how we will act. The answer is easy, doing it is more difficult.

Learn to identify what matters most to you. Use our Finding Balance worksheet.

I have decided that I want to support my father. Regardless of how he feels about the care I am giving him, I want to feel good about it. That means I am clear about what I am willing to do and the only reward I expect is how I feel about myself. I cannot and do not rely on what he thinks of me. I rely only on my own measure: am I doing the best I can? That clarity also gives me the freedom to not do things that other people might think I should. I do not take him to the hospital for tests that could lead to a surgery I will not elect for him. I do not do things that might make me look good to others but feel fruitless to me. Ultimately, I am comfortable in my decisions. I am doing my best. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get grumpy or tired or sometimes wish things were different. I may be clear in my intentions; I am also human.

As caregivers – caregivers who have a choice in what we do or do not do for someone else – we need to find our own meaning and reward in our work. Relying on someone else’s opinion of us is the fastest route to burnout. Likewise, clarifying what we want to do instead of reacting to what others think we should do is the best defense against unnecessary caregiver guilt. Notice what I wrote above, I said of my father, “I think he believes I am not willing to help him.” That’s my guilt talking to me. Finding meaning and personal satisfaction in my caregiving is the best way for me to combat caregiver burnout and guilt.

The truth is, your parent may never appreciate what you do for them. They may never praise you. They may never say thank you. So what? Now what?


21 comments on “When Your Elderly Parent Doesn’t Appreciate You: Coping With Caregiver Burnout”

  1. Paula Kiger Reply

    Oh yes this totally resonates with me! His ability to empathize has been stolen by his brain dysfunction and I struggle with that (even though I know he can’t help it). It’s like having a toddler but instead of being thrilled that they will be come more independent, I know he will become more dependent. Thank you for this post which definitely echoes my thoughts!

    • Em Reply

      I feel so incredibly alone in this journey that is taking care of my 86 year old mother who has advanced cancer in a minimum of her lungs (already had a partial masectomy 5 years ago) and also her colon and wants no treatment. She also has either the cancer advanced to her brain or has dementia or both. She gets very nasty. she wants attention but then cancels EVERYTHING despite the amount of energy and work that go into things. I am so overwhelmed as it is all on me and me alone. I am a 63 year old single parent raising my 16 year old son alone. I don’t want to deal with any of it. She has nothing ready for this stage in her life – No POA No Will and there are step children circling like vultures. Her husband is severe dementia and is in a nursing home that he will never be able to leave.

  2. Diane Reply

    I was fortunate. Daddy was clear and reasonable right up to the end. And, though his mobility was shrinking, he was still able to get around and be independent. Isn’t it funny how the roles reverse as our parents age. We move from our kids not appreciating anything we do and complaining about everything to our parents doing it. Does anyone else feel like the center of a baloney sandwich? 🙂

  3. Beth Havey Reply

    My mother had dementia. There were times when my trips to visit her fell flat. She couldn’t get a grip on my feelings,
    but I knew that mine were certainly not as important as hers as her life slowly left her. Cruel. But she always knew me
    and was loving in some way. I was blessed being with her when she died. A true gift. Aging is so damn hard. I admire
    your courage and your love.

    • Lorraine Hunt Reply

      My mum had dementia, (8 years)but she still led a happy enjoyable time at the end. She would be so happy to see you and always loved a little present.
      She was always smiling. She passed in 2019 aged 89. My dad however is totally opposite . He lives alone has a bad heart condition and is on oxygen. He will not let anyone help him. If we do he moans and is critical and very rude and abrupt. He is obviously down but will not allow a carer or any help.
      With mum it was easier although you know she didn’t “know” us anymore .
      With Dad he just is so very hurtful . It’s so sad at the end of their lives it could be so different if only they would allow support .

  4. Betsy Reply

    I so appreciate your rational and empathetic thoughts on this subject. As a person who had a very difficult parent, I can understand the mix of feelings. Your example will be helpful to many.

    • admin Reply

      Thanks Betsy. It’s important to me that not all care literature assumes every family is perfect and every relationship is loving.

  5. Michelle Schmitt Reply

    My Dad is 84. Diabetic, heart disease, on 20 medications and has a bad case of cellulitis on his leg. He took 4 doses of antibiotics and now is refusing to take his antibiotics.

    I’m at a loss. This is so hard when you care about someone more than they care for themselves.

    • admin Reply

      Thanks for being here Michelle. It is so hard to watch and know that you will pick up the pieces!

  6. Mimi Reply

    Hi I am new to this group but need some support. This was the worst wknd ever. My Dad has IPF and lives with me esp now. Doesnt wish to be a burden but also doesnt hear well. All he needs to do is focus on oxygen and food and consider giving me some space I’m trying to help with everything but I haven’t had a break of 36 hrs in the past 1.25 years with a demanding full time job and someone k hired who do 70% of her job for only 9 hrs a week out of pocket. I’m in mid 30s. I wish I had the love of my life but he married someone else a yr ago today. He was my best friend and more.. i have older brothers who live their lives. This is taking a toll on my body and health. Thanks for listening. M

      • Joie Reply

        Interesting article. My father has been a difficult man most of my life. To this day I cringe when I think about going to see him. He gives me high anxiety. I took care of him and my mom for ten years +. My mom passed and now it’s narcissist Dad. At 96 his demands are increasing. He’s sharp as a tack. No dementia. Last Sept he was in the hospital and came home needing care. I told him and my sister that I would no longer take on the role of caregiver. His meanness had to have boundaries set on it. He got a caregiver who is wonderful. She takes none of his crap and I think he likes that. Unfortunately, his caregiver is not there very much anymore due to a number of reasons, some hers and some his. He now expects my sister and I to be there for him 24/7. I remind him I relinquished the role of caregiver. He won’t accept that. Now my sister, who also doesn’t want to be his caregiver is throwing guilt my way and telling all her friends and associates what a terrible person I am. She will only text and not talk. I can’t text her because she shares my texts with others. I remind her also that I set the boundaries for mental survival. The guilt is flowing thick and heavy from both parties and it’s starting to affect my health. My therapist and psychiatrist both told me to distance myself from them. The thing I’ve learned from this is to have my husband and I prepare NOW for the future so my own children don’t have to go through this absolute torture. Dad physically needs continuing care but refuses to leave his home. I do believe he has run out of money and just got a reverse mortgage.

  7. Sam Reply

    I’m one of five children, all in which live in the same area as our elderly mother who needs full time care. I am the only child willing to help care for her but yet the one child that needs to work and that has been separated from husband for 3 years. So basically not married. Because I am not able to go out and make a living I am not able to prepare for retirement. I am almost 57 and NO retirement. I have asked my mother to please make sure that I can live in the home after she goes to heaven so that I can make up for the time that I have been here with you so that you do not have to live in a nursing home and her response is that my husband should make sure I’m taking care of.. She knows that we are not together and knows that he’s an alcoholic and still makes this comment. She said that the will states that upon her passing that the home is divided among the children. I have been taking care of her for 3 years. I am at a complete loss. My siblings offer zero help in any way shape or form. One of them is a multi millionaire and another is in close proximity. The other two are doing fine with their own homes and retirement with no worries. What am I to do???

    • admin Reply

      I am sorry you are in such a tough situation. Will your siblings pay you to care for their parent?

  8. Brittany Reply

    I needed to read this. I am a caregiver for my dad that suffered a stroke 4 years ago. I have been by his side since and he depends on me to do EVERYTHING! He’s in therapy however when with me he does not try and has messed up my back several times. He only wants me to do things that he likes, and gets upset when I want a break or free time. I’m on 32 and have been doing this since 28yrs old and I fear I have sacrificed my whole life and happiness by trying to do what’s right and honor my father. Lost my mom at 12, so he’s my last parent left but I feel so distant from everything now. I can’t enjoy breaks because I hear him calling my name, or worry he’s not getting good care when I’m gone. It’s just sad to know his attitude won’t get any better and that he doesn’t want any me to live my own life because I won’t be with him 24/7! I just need good vibes and willpower to keep going and see the good in my sacrificed life!

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