Holiday Survival Guide

Holidays! The most stressful wonderful time of the year! When you are a family caregiver, the intensity of the holidays is often ratcheted up. On top of your already packed schedule, on top of your already stretched thin nerves, on top of your already over-the-top caffeine habit, you need to turn on the cheer and the charm and spend even more time with and caring for family. We hope the magic of the day, or the season, will give us a boost, but that’s not always the case.

For caregivers who live with their elderly parents, the holidays can feel like a broken promise. There’s no rest for a live-in caregiver!

For caregivers who live by but not with their parents, the holidays can pose logistical challenges, like how to get Dad up the front stairs or how to plan a family gathering around the assisted living or skilled nursing facility schedule.

For long-distance caregivers, the holidays can be an eye opener that Mom and Dad are declining and you can’t resolve everything you may want to during your trip home.

And all caregivers deal with some level of grieving – if not for family members who have passed away then for years past when their parents were younger and healthier.

And for the winter holidays, there are decorations and wrappings, turkeys and traditions, and oh so much togetherness!

But don’t fret! We’ve got you covered with our Caregiver Holiday Survival Guide!

7 Holiday Rules for Caregivers

Lower your standards.

You work hard all year. You don’t need to prove anything today. So what that the house is a little messy or the dinner is overcooked or your Dad fell asleep before dinner? All of that pales in comparison to the minor miracles you perform all year long as a working daughter.

Lower your expectations.

Now go a little bit lower. For years I was ruined by the images of Christmas in the Jordan Marsh catalogue. That’s what a family gathering was supposed to look like, right? Velvet dresses, china plates, and a happy (blond) family singing carols around a baby grand. Well guess what? Jordan Marsh went bankrupt! If you can enter the day with no expectation of how it should be, you will avoid disappointment. You might even be pleasantly surprised.

Practice Gratitude.

Something’s good; focus on it.  If you spend the day thinking about the fact you are not dressed in velvet (in fact you are dressed in a polyblend), your plates are not china (they are chipped), you are not blonde, and you don’t have a piano (you have iTunes), you won’t notice that this group of non-blonde, unmusical characters you’re celebrating with, actually make you feel at home.

It’s just a day on a calendar.

If you think about it, holidays are just arbitrary days that Hallmark printed on their calendars. Print is dead! So don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make this one day so meaningful. You can celebrate, worship, or observe any day of the year.

Create a private holiday ritual.

 5 minutes or 5 hours, it doesn’t matter. If holidays feel more like work and obligation than celebration, try to carve out a little time just for you. Whether it’s five minutes of meditation, a long walk in the morning, or a few hours at the movie theatre by yourself after the guests finally leave, do it! You deserve a little fun today.

Bring your sense of humor.

You will need it. Because if you don’t laugh, you might cry.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

5 SIGNS YOUR AGING PARENTS NEED MORE HELP

1. Mail: Are your parents losing their handle on their bills? Is their mail piling up unopened? Do they seem susceptible to offers in junk mail? A simple fix is to offer to help with bill paying and, if they are willing, to redirect their mail to your address. But is there a deeper issue with their cognitive ability? It may be time for a cognitive assessment.
2. Falls: According to the Center for Disease Control, at least 250,000 older people are hospitalized for hip fractures every year. And many people who fall, even if they’re not injured, become afraid of falling causing them to cut down on their everyday activities. If your parents experience a fall it may be time for a cane or walker. If your parents are going to remain at home, evaluate their residence for trip hazards like area rugs and retrofit the bathroom with anti-slip materials and grip bars in the shower. Get a medical evaluation to check for any trauma resulting from the fall and to see if any underlying medical issues caused it.
3. Food: Have your parents stopped cooking? Is the fridge full of expired food? The kitchen can be an excellent indicator that mom and dad may need more support. Meals on Wheels may be an option or maybe your parents would benefit from a home health aide to prepare a few meals a week. Maybe they’d love the idea of assisted living where they can get three meals prepared for them each day. You won’t know unless you ask.
4. Forgetting: Is your parent forgetting family member’s names or getting lost while traveling familiar routes? Have they left a burner on after cooking? While we often want to dismiss forgetfulness as just “old age,” it’s wise to have your forgetful parent assessed for cognitive issues.  Have you noticed your parent’s home or personal appearance has become messier? This may just be a sign that your parent is more easily tired by household chores and could benefit from a housekeeper or a home health aide. But this could also be a sign of something more serious such as depression or dementia. Mention these signs to your parent’s doctor. If you don’t have a relationship with your parent’s doctor and HIPPA prevents the doctor from sharing information with you, ask the doctor if they will at least listen to your input even if they can’t respond to you.
5. Driving. If you run errands or go out to dinner while you are visiting your parents, resist the urge to get behind the wheel and let your parent drive. Notice their reaction times, signaling or turning issues, and any hesitation they may show. Are they no longer able or willing to drive at night? It may be time to make some alternative transportation plans for them like a Lyft account, or The Ride.

If you do notice any of these warning signs, ask your parents how they are managing and if they have any concerns. Use open-ended questions like, “How are things going?” and “How are you managing these days?” You want to start a conversation. Don’t start by telling them what they need. Always ask first. Listen intently and acknowledge their feelings and observations. Then you can add your observations or concerns – but be careful not to come across as judgmental or controlling.

It can be difficult to acknowledge that our parents are aging and may need more assistance than they want or than we are prepared to give. But if you notice one or more of the following signs, it’s time to assess your parents’ needs and determine if they need some lifestyle adjustments, additional support, or perhaps, a change in their living situation. Finally, know that you probably can’t find solutions to all of their challenges while you are home for the holidays. Fix what you can while you are there – like moving things to lower shelves or fall-proofing the house. And know that helping your parents as they age is a process.

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