Feeling Overwhelmed? It Could Be the Caregiver Creep

Feeling overwhelmed? It could be the Caregiver Creep.

I was busy – living the life of the typical middle class mother – working in an exciting but high stress job and juggling my job with homework assignments, soccer practices, and school plays. My parents lived approximately an a hour away from me and as they reached their 80s, they needed more and more help. It started with chores around the house – cutting their lawn, changing light bulbs, running errands. Then they stopped driving and I took over their grocery shopping. My husband took over their finances. I started taking them to all of their doctor’s appointments. So many appointments! As they needed more assistance, I hired a nurse to come monthly and then a home health aide to come several times a week. Suddenly I wasn’t just busy. I was tired and cranky and overwhelmed and I hadn’t seen it coming. I was experiencing what I now know is the Caregiver Creep.

The Caregiver Creep is akin to the parable about the frog and the boiling water. If a frog jumps into a pot of boiling water, it will jump out – because it realizes it will burn. But if a frog is in a pot of water, and the temperature keeps rising, it stays there unaware how hot it’s actually getting. That’s what happens to many caregivers: they take on one task, and then another, and then another, and suddenly they are stressed and overwhelmed. And if you’re like me and most other women I know, you don’t even realize that you have become a caregiver. You just think you’re being a good daughter!

This is the Caregiver Creep – when an adult child starts to offer more and more support and doesn’t realize how much they are taking on. And this, by the way, is a big difference between eldercare and childcare. Even though a lot of people will conflate the two, they are quite different. And the distinction is important becuase we can’t treat eldercare like childcare and we can’t try to address the challenges with the same solutions. Many women, especially professional working women, plan for parenting. They think about how having a child will impact their careers, their bodies, their relationships, and their finances. They literally and figuratively make space in their life for a child. However, with eldercare that rarely happens. Typically women are going about their already busy lives when either caregiving creeps up on them or they are thrust into it via a crisis. Either way, there is no planning involved.

Are you experiencing the Caregiver Creep?

Have you been helping an aging or ill parent or family member? Has the scope of your responsibilities crept up? Are you starting to feel overwhelmed, wondering why you are so tired, so busy, with no time for the things that bring you joy – or even for mundane day-to-day tasks? You may be experiencing the Caregiver Creep. Read on for some tips on how to deal with this phase of caregiving.

Tips for dealing with Caregiver Creep

1. Acknowledge that you are caregiving. Helping Mom with her pills? That’s caregiving. Driving Dad to his appointments? That’s caregiving. You can’t fit a new role into your life if you don’t first acknowledge it.
2. Take inventory. If all of a sudden you’re feeling overwhelmed and busier than ever, stop, breathe, and take inventory of your responsibilities. Have you added new chores and responsibilities? Write them down. Have you added new people to care for? Make a list of who you help and how you help them. Before you can make a plan for how you’re going to tackle your busy life, you need to have a complete picture of all that you do.
3. Delegate. What are the tasks on your list that you can delegate? Can someone else do the grocery shopping or can you use Instacart? Do you need to sort the pills weekly or can your sibling or a home health aide do that? Will using an automated pill dispenser allow you to move that task to monthly vs. weekly?
4. Ask for help. Don’t expect that others – including and especially your siblings – will notice that you need to help. You may need to be explicit in asking for what you need. We have tips on asking for help here.
5. Set your priorities. What matters most to each of us shifts and flows as our lives evolve. Caregiving is a major life experience so now is a smart time to revaluate your priorities. Time management is NOT the way to balance caregiving and al of your other responsibilities – you have too much to do! Instead, take some time to revaluate your priorities for this phase of life. Say yes each day to what truly matters and let the little stuff go.

If caregiving has crept up on you, it’s time to do a reset. By acknowledging your new role, identifying your tasks, creating a plan and setting your priorities you can regain a sense of control.